Ambiguous Loss

Ambiguous Loss

Sometimes we find ourselves grieving due to a significant loss. At times, the loss is very concrete, such as the death of a loved one or a pet. The person or pet is no longer present. This brings intense sadness along with other emotions, and presents finality or closure.

At other times we may grieve even when there is no finality or closure. Sometimes we may lose access to a person as we once knew them due to dementia, addiction, estrangement or other factors that impact their presence with us. These losses are still significant.

Dr. Pauline Boss, a family therapist, coined the term ambiguous loss in the 1970s while working with people who experienced this unclear, often confusing, type of grief. You can read more about Dr. Boss and her research at Ambiguous Loss.

This type of grief may be difficult to cope with. There are no rules or rituals in society to mark or acknowledge an ambiguous loss. There could be a lack of understanding from others who may not provide comfort but instead dismiss this type of pain. You may experience conflicting emotions, like longing for the person while feeling upset with the present circumstances or the person’s behavior. You may feel hypervigilant, looking for signs of contact from the other person.

It is important to recognize that grief from ambiguous loss is valid. In these experiences, it is also important to seek care from trusted people, such as a therapist who understands the nuances of ambiguous loss. An experienced therapist can help you learn different ways to cope, helping you find meaning, adjust to changes, and eventually find acceptance in the “not knowing.” Your grief matters, and your voice can be heard.