Artists and Boundaries
In the blog I’ve mentioned that I have been an artist throughout my life, but I will take a moment to disclose one of my experiences that made me reconsider my choices at the time.
I have performed in various acting roles including theatre, film and industrial acting for the purposes of instruction and professional credentialing. In most cases I have received my script or instructions before my call time, but in some settings, this hasn’t happened. Usually this is the case when I work in an instructional capacity and plans may change due to student needs. In many instances I’ve enjoyed the ability to think on my feet and improvise. Other times, not having a script ahead of time can cause problems.
There have been a few roles that I regretted accepting due to lack of a script. Some have been due to the need to quickly memorize a new role, others due to not being able to know the scope of the role in advance. Sometimes the scope has stretched farther in time and resources than I was able to actually commit to a project, and I have found myself stretched thin to meet the unclear expectations. However, the worst experience came with not knowing the content of the role in advance, and finding myself working with material that was personally triggering to me. I don’t use the term “triggering” capriciously, rather to indicate the severity of the topic of portrayal that was not disclosed to me before accepting the gig.
On the day when I was presented with this sensitive material, I was midway through a booking having portrayed other roles that I had done before. I had committed the day to this booking, and was a significant commute away from home in order to be present.
After a successful set with old material, the event leader casually mentioned the next scene and stated that I could choose from one of two roles in it. Both involved portrayals of severe physical and emotional trauma. Suddenly, I found myself overwhelmed and unable to speak up for myself about the request. I asked if I could take five. I took the time to walk around the area, get something to drink, and think about what I could do. Actors are asked all the time to “push” themselves. Would that be appropriate for me to try?
Another side of my rationale insisted: boundaries exist for a reason. Not every role is for every actor, and it is okay to step aside when asked to step outside of those boundaries.
The practicalities and pressures of the day won out in the end. I stayed because I needed the paycheck and the promise of a rehire. I chose from the two roles, the one that I thought I could better handle. I coped during the performance by emotionally numbing myself to the specific content and focusing on my dialogue and actions.
Was this a healthy choice? Absolutely not.
Would I do it again? I would prefer not to, but now I am better prepared after reflecting on this experience. I began to actively look for content notes in upcoming role information, and inquire for more details when needed. I have turned down some projects, not only as an actor but as an intimacy professional, since having this experience. I do not want to repeat the feeling of being stuck between an obligation and having to compromise my own needs. It has made me a better advocate for others, but I am still working on becoming a better advocate for myself.
Boundaries are an essential part of life, not only in the world of performance art, but for everyone. For anyone wanting more information about this important topic, I highly recommend the work of Nedra Glover Tawwab, including her podcast, her publications, and her free brief Boundaries Guide.
While I am passionate about helping artists identify and maintain their boundaries, I recognize how difficult it can be to maintain one’s own, considering many reasons and factors. I am here for you when you want to talk more about what boundaries you have, and those you’d like to work on. Having plans in place about what you will, and won’t, allow for yourself sets a foundation for living the life you want.
